Bah ha ha!

One of my favourite columns from one of my favourite writers......  it old but still funny.  Enjoy!  :)

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TURKEY LEFTOVERS
By W. Bruce Cameron

Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate. 

Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.)  But take Thanksgiving--my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours. 

"Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering. I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under. 

Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months.  (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes." 

I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true--at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development. 

As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time.  Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it." 

Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey. 

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>From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter: 
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ 

Three years hey? (and Megan news)

For the last three years or so, the windshield wipers on my old truck have been giving me trouble.  Sometimes they work.... sometimes they don't.... sometimes they FREAK OUT and start going fast and slow and then stop and then start again......  it is somewhat annoying.


So today I finally decided to buy the part and fix it.  Guess how long it took me.

Literally...... 5 minutes tops.   Undo the wiring harness.... three screws out.... pull the circuit board.... three screws in.... do up the wiring harness..... done!  

5 MINUTES AND I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING WITH THEM FOR THREE YEARS PLUS!!!!   SERIOUSLY??????   D'OH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well..... there is a sermon illustration in there somewhere.
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In other news, Megan tried out for basketball this week and made it so we will be hanging out at the gym in coming weekends.  Watch for pictures coming soon.

I have very little imagination

So I am not feeling really great today.... running a bit of a fever.... sore and achy.... I think Sari is poisoning me (She is not here today.... looks sort of suspicious, no?  "He's dead!!???  What???  Me???  No!  I wasn't even in town.... check my alibi... I mean... ask my friends!")

Anyway, after helping a buddy load a trailer so he can move, I came home and started playing on the computer.   Now I went to the 10 normal sites that I hit (Nascar.com.... cycle world.... MSN.... Leader Post.....TSN) and now I am stuck!  I have nothing..... I just keep staring at the screen wondering what else I could look up (I even looked up how Aspirin works on fevers and why.... ask me sometime it is sort of interesting).

So there is only one logical conclusion..... I must have read the entire internet!

(I heard a comedian one time say, "Well... I finished the internet last night.... yep... turns out when you get to the end there is a picture of Bill Gates:"....... I was going to steal that joke but......)

So I broke my own rule and went to Facebook and that just made me mad (Seriously??  Billions of dollars of technology tied up here and you use it to show me a picture of your lunch???  I don't even care what I eat most of the time... why would I care what you ate????).

I hope I feel better tomorrow..... I can't take another afternoon of this!  :(

An Ode to Chicken Wings

I love chicken wings and a football game,
"Louisiana hot wings" (if you want the specific name)
I ate about 30 of them... and set my mouth aflame
Digestion would have been better if the Riders weren't quite so lame!  :)

Well, it is still fun - in an odd sort of way

If you read the previous post, you will know that I was looking forward to this long weekend for various reasons.... not all of which turned out as planned........

1.  Parent/teacher interviews on Friday...... the interviews went well.... teachers were happy.... marks were good..... kids are nice.  The issue:  The kids were "missing in action".  In fact, they were delivering magazines to raise money for their choir trip later in the year, so they missed the interviews and the "Happy interview day" lunch that we planned.

2.  The Bruins game that night was fun..... no big issue here other than the storm and getting there and back

3.  Speaking of the storm.... spent two or three hours snow blowing on Saturday only to have the drive belt on the auger break just as I was finishing.  Bought a new belt.... took the front off the SB to install it..... 2 hours later (with some help from Sari) I got the thing back together.  The front fell down and I could not get it all lined up properly again.... long story short:  It is working now but a job that should have been 20 minutes was significantly longer (still thankful for a garage to work in.... I highly recommend it to working  outside in the snow)   :)

4.  Sunday morning was nice..... then in the afternoon I had some good buddies over to watch the Rider game.  The company was fun..... the hot wings were good..... the game was interesting...... the result........  :(

5.  I had a late night coffee date with my preaching buddy Jason Bandura.... he was in town so I met him at 9 pm for coffee at Tim Horton's and we closed the place down (Mind you, in this town - b/c of lack of staff - TH closes at 11pm so it was not that late but.....)..... then we went cruising until midnight.  Two preachers, without their wives, hopped up on coffee...... LOOK OUT!!!!!   WWWOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!   :)  (Actually it was really nice to see him.  Good visit)

6.  Now I am waiting for it to warm up so I can go out and do some more Sblowing..... Katie and Sari are painting at the church building for a few hours..... Megan is just hanging out and trying to catch up on sleep.... maybe I will rope Sari into a "Scrabble" game later.....

7.  So far, my motorcycle books and magazines have been left untouched and unread.  :(

Now - I hope you don't think I am whining, b/c I am not..... It has still been a good weekend.  It is just that things have not gone quite as planned..... still good.... just not as planned. 

I hope your weekend has been good..... and remember.... if you have to take your snow blower apart - support the auger end before you undo the bolts...... you will thank me later.   :)

A Snowy Winter Weekend

It seems that we are getting "Snow-mageddon" here tonight and guess what???  I am happy about it.  Why?  Well......


   -  The snow will force us to stay home some.  Though I know our lives are not as crazy as some (if I had to live some people's lives I know, I will kill someone in the first minute just to have the luxury of relaxing in jail for a few years with no other commitments), we have been going here and there (even if it is just in town) and so it will be nice to be at home with everyone.

   -  I have the day off work today (Friday), the kids are off school (parent-teacher interviews) and Sari is taking part of the day off.... see point 1.

   -  I am looking forward to "parent-teacher interviews".  Granted, at the Comp they are a little different b/c you just go speak to the home room teacher and they generally know nothing about how your child is doing in their various classes b/c they do not teach them but.... (a) My girls - thanks to their mom - are generally nice and sweet and make good impressions on people, so interviews are always easy and (b) I like being at the High School.  There is an energy or vib there that I really like.  Any time I have gone there to help with stuff, I am always impressed with the kids and the staff.... I think I am going to have to find more ways to get involved up there.

   -  I got to take my girl on a date last night.... something that does not happen enough (see point 1).  We also do not go to many movies (mostly b/c they are garbage 1/2 the time and b/c I normally can't commit 3 hours of my life to some story I don't care about), but since we don't go often - when we do it seems like a big deal.... and it was nice.

   - I have to change oil in the SUV today.  While that may not sound like a good/fun thing, it actually is b/c that means I get to use my garage.  After years and years of changing oil in the snowbanks, a heated garage with a stereo blasting still feels super luxurious and I am more thankful for it than anyone knows.  A simple dream come true, but a good one. 

   -   I have a stack of motorcycle books and magazines sitting by my favorite chair just waiting for me.  What better way to spend a snowy afternoon?  If you can't ride, at least you can drink coffee, read and dream right?  And then there are all the bike accessory books on top of that!

   -  I won Bruin tickets on the radio today!!  That story is made even better by the fact that my daughters still like going to games with me and are not ashamed to be seen in public with their Dad (a curse that many Dads have had to endure over the years).

   -  I have a couple of good buddies coming over to watch the Rider game Sunday afternoon.  Whether that will turn out well or not remains to be seen, but it will be fun hanging out with the guys and eating hot wings anyway (Hot wings make everything better, right?)

    -  And in there somewhere, I will also plan to get outside and walk/play in the snow.  It will be lovely - even if I have to shovel it (More lovely if I can use the snow blower and save my back)

So there you go..... a perfect looking weekend from where I stand..... not flashy.... not expensive.... not over the top..... but I am really looking forward to it b/c it will be about being with people I want to be with.... doing a few things I want to do.... and enjoying what I have rather than stressing about what I don't have or would like to have.

And what could be better than that?

Scrabble round 2

Tonight was round two of the "Winter Scrabble Challenge".  You may remember that last time we played, Sari lost and had a bit of a hissy fit.  Well, this time she was losing badly and started in with the, "I am ssssoooooo tired!!!!  Can we quit???  Seriously, I am falling asleep" routine.... and then she got "Quad" with the "Q" on a "triple letter score" and later put "Queen" (off the same Q) on the "Triple word score".

Suddenly, she was not so tired any more... and went on to win round 2.

So it is all tied up.  (I doubt you really care, but there you are anyway)  :)

A Book update

I know that many people who read this blog (like Roberta) like to hear stories about race cars, garages and, especially, motorcycles (Oh they say they don't.... every time I see them they sarcastically say, "Would you PLEASE stop writing such boring blogs!!!!"..... they are funny!)  :)

Anyway.... since I know that you are wondering to yourself, "How is that new motorcycle book you bought, Tim?" (if you do not know what book I am talking about, scroll down).... here is your update.

I would give it a 6 out of 10.

Normally not bad.  But I would give the first book a 9.99939 out of 10.

The first "Leanings" book is much more about Egan's first years of riding.  It is also about rebuilding a bunch of bikes that are now classics.... old Triumphs and Nortons and Honda 4s and stuff like that.

The second book is more about his later experiences of riding brand new Beemers through the Alps.... or his many trips to Baja country in Mexico.... or how he and several buddies loaded up and took a 10 day tour through Italy while test driving new Ducatis.

All of that is interesting enough.... but I am much more likely to be doing the things in the first book (Buying some old wreck and restoring it) than I am the things in the second book (riding through Tuscany on an all expense paid tour... as nice as that may sound).

So, if you like to dream about stuff that you will likely never get to do, buy book 2.

If, on the other hand, you like reading about things that could become a reality for you, buy book 1.

And if you could not care less about motorcycles.... well I guess you can always go buy shoes (or whatever it is that people waste their money on when they don't have the good taste to like motorcycles!)  :)