As strong as that idea is, I realized that, in order to draw in the mass, I may need to present a few more ideas to rally around. Therefore, here are a couple of more of my "Make Canada even better" thoughts. I have categorized them so they are easier to sort through them and see where each will improve the life of the average Canadian.
1. Clothing - see gowns comment above or elsewhere on this blog (Click here for one example). I think I have expounded the virtues of this one that it does not require any more explanation
2. Language - I realize that (a) English is a very difficult language and (b) Correcting people`s mistakes makes one look like a jerk. Therefore, this part of my platform will focus more on education than on punishment and it is will focus specifically on the most stupid and annoying phrases that people use (because these are easily correctable).
Punishment for the worse offenders will still be harsh though. For example, anyone who starts a sentence with the words, "I mean....." will be deported. Now I realize that this is going to cost us some of our best young hockey players as every interview seems to go like this.......
Reporter: What are you guys doing that is confusing your opposition so much?
Player: I mean..... we are just doing what we do. I mean.... we work hard and then we skate fast!
"I MEAN" IMPLIES THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY SAID!!! YOU CAN'T START A SENTENCE WITH "I MEAN" BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING YET!!!!!
Other (lesser) language violations would include......
- People on renovation or real estate shows who refers to a room as a "space" - as in "I love the light in this space" ..... or anyone who talks about a house being at a certain "price point" (that is just stupid - say "price" and be done with it). Punishment: Offenders will be required to live outside in a park for a week. The goal: To show that "Space" (As in the green, open, unprotected space of the park) is very different than a "House". We believe that after one week the offender will never confuse the two again.
- "Game changer" I have an issue with this simply because, most of the time, the people saying it are not playing a game and the fact that the actual event itself changes only a few things. Punishment: A "Income changer" fine (in other words - significant enough to really change something)
- I will also launch an extensive, school-wide education initiative to teach the difference between "bring" and "take". You can only bring something to the place where you are. You cannot, for example, say, "I am going to bring the kids to the park tomorrow". NO YOU AREN'T!!!! You are going to "Take" them to the park tomorrow. "Bring me a drink" is correct - if a little rude (you could say "Please" you know?) because the drink will be brought to where you are. An extensive chart will be a key component of this initiative
3. Dating - No one will be allowed to date anyone who lives outside of a 20 mile radius of their primary residence. This may seem to be odd and arbitrary (as if the other ones do not) but it comes from a very practical place. Last week, we had to dodge three huge storms and drive 8 hours (twice) through huge mountains of snow in minus 40 weather so that our daughter could hang out with her boyfriend from Ontario.
Under my new government, this hassle would be eliminated. Do you love someone from Ontario? Yes! Do you live in Ontario? No? I am sorry - you must break up!
See how easy that is! Problem solved.
Here is the deal: No matter where you live, there are lots of living, breathing humans all around you. Pick one! There is no need to be driving or flying back and forth all across the country trying to find "The One". In fact, the phrase "The One" will fall under the new language law as well. Anyone saying that they are looking for "The One" will be deported to Ontario (Thus solving the travel problem for some but increasing it for others).
My slogan here will be..... "Forget finding 'The One' - just choose Someone!"
However, in order to keep peace in my own home, I will grandfather in any existing relationships so that those in long distance situations can see them through if they so choose. After those are done, though, forget it!
So there you go. While others may be talking about Global Warming, Carbon Taxes and Terrorism, I am going with Ball Gowns.... Less irritating speech..... and localized dating.
I thank you in advance for your support! I promise to serve two terms and then retire with my big government pension to some place hot! :)
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